A week later, I went to a real doctor (one who KNEW that New Hampshire was part of the US, unlike some of my new best friends at University Medical Center in Las Vegas):
Which brings us to why I'm not out frolicking in the sunshine, getting back into shape at Gold's Gym, setting up my lovely new office furniture and fixing up the rest of my shiny new house, or the hundred other things I planned to do over my summer break. The good news is that it appears that I will have at least a few weeks to smush all that stuff in after my purple cast comes off.
There are things you can do when you are in a cast. Mainly, I read and work on the Fall Semester (more on that later), but if you ever find yourself in a leg cast, make sure you get your wobbly self down to the local WalMart and ride on of their electric shopping carts. You know you want to, and if you aren't in a cast, well, you still can do it, but you're kind of a douche.
Many of you may wonder why I was even in the WalMart. I should point out that I am still morally opposed to the WalMart and all that it stands for. That said, I don't really navigate the electric shopping cart well, and I care too much for my fellow shoppers at Target to learn in their hallowed aisles. Plus, I hate WalMart, but I hate hobbling around on my bum wheel more, so forgive my abandonment of morals. If it bothers you that much, you can drive to New Hampshire, and I'll give you a shopping list and a budget.
So, if you want to try it out but you don't want to break your own leg or be a douche, I'm saving this cast. Feel free to borrow it. It's an opportunity everyone should have. There are some hazards when you are cast-ified, though.
Rules of the road:
- Old people don't care. Anyone over 60 in the WalMart has the right of way. Do not try to dispute this. They will hit you, and then they will sue you.
- Little Kids high on Mountain Dew can't stop for you, even though they know they should.
- Parents who give their children Mountain Dew, even though they know that's the first stop on the Expressway to no teeth? Well, they will sacrifice their children to get in front of you in line.
- The grungy, vaguely scary looking guys who might just might be in a gang? They will hold the door open for you and ask if they can help you. Mark my words: if you have to choose between Grandma Moses and a clan of Biker Dudes, bank left and head for the leather. It's your only hope.
- Teenage girls? Forget about it. They suck when you are mobile, and they suck when you are injured. Feel free to point out to them that while you may be in a chair right now, one day you won't be. They'll still be buying seconds at WalMart and following around an unemployed poser in a fake leather chain who won't pay attention to them even after the Mountain Dew has taken his teeth and given him a pot belly. (This may or may not be true, but are you going to be in the WalMart when it all hits the fan? I hope not.)
So, motor on, motorheads. It'll be the ride of your life.
